"Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself."

What am I making of myself?

posted from Bloggeroid

To yourself

From your angle things may seem askew
You may even speculate the reasons I have are few
But don't presume to know the what, if you don't know the why, or how
And keep from spewing your opinion on what you know nothing about
The separation on all sides has been there for so long
Let's not put up this new facade and pretend we get along
(jmv)

posted from Bloggeroid

I worry that this one thing, this one part of you, will be what brings down Rome.

Diamonds and Coal.

Carbon, hydrogen and everything past.
Blackness transformed to a precious stone.
Diamonds are shined and cut, multifaceted.
But not all sides are as beautiful as the whole.
Yet unlike that rock,
Your imperfections don't lower your worth.
I want you just the same
Because I love you
And everything is imperfect,
All the time.

in my mind i lay it out perfectly. it all makes sense and "If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing."

(NanoLove)

I want to know your highest accomplishment

& what's made you feel most low?

When you jump out of bed, no second thoughts, what is it you're working towards?  

And are there days when you can't fathom leaving bed at all?

I want to know all of you.

You sense my thoughts.  

Take the words right off my tongue.  

Make me feel less old & more bold

...are you speaking directly to my soul?

Because it feels as though we're connected, far from superficially,

On a level unknown... and unexplored even by me.

&, honestly, if I give it my all, will I receive the same in turn?

I want to love and be loved, madly.  Live and let live, gladly.

But in the end it comes down to this... 

The possibility of hurt is always alive, but I'm not afraid of giving all of me.

Put out the lamp when thou wishest.  I shall know thy darkness and shall love it.

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires."

The Mountain from TSO Photography on Vimeo.
It's easy to forget in our daily lives, with the people and things forever pulling at our attention and competing for our time, that this world doesn't revolve around us. In fact, we revolve WITH the world. You and I are in orbit TOGETHER, letting the beauty of it all swirl around and past us everyday. We become momentarily aware of our insignificance in the immensity before and beyond us, then shrink into the mediocrity of routine to quell the growing suspicion that none of it ever really mattered in the grand scheme of things. Yet being the mere mortal that I am, and you are as well, I try keep my focus on the here and the now. I worry about the who's and the what's (the when, where and why's, sometimes even the how's!) I take care of the little issues while planning for the bigger picture. I seek love and security knowing I can't take any of it with me in the end. Days are filled with fighting and kissing, dismissing and missing, conversations about everything and nothing at all...

On blast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dear Jocelyn, 

I understand the nervousness, 

but ill have you know that I only have eyes for you, 

my heart beats for your ears only 

and we are a singularity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The thought of the possibility of a bad ending lingers.

Here's to hoping for good things and putting the risks out of mind.  

Singular?  Let's see what you're made of.

Incubus-September 30th, The Woodlands

Dont you want to see the Deep?

Trinity

There's something intriguing about the constant banter in your eyes and words.

STRAY BIRDS

I have read through this book several times, these are just few lines that struck a chord in me:

"The moon has her light all over the sky,

her dark spots to herself."

"When I stand before thee at the day's end 

thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds 

and also my healing."

"I do not ask you inside.

Come into my infinite loneliness, my Lover."

"Maiden, your simplicity, 

like the blueness of the lake, 

reveals your depth of truth."

AS SMALL AS A WORLD AND AS LARGE AS ALONE.

XVII

“I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

Pablo Neruda: Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto

The clouds, at once, parted and I regained the vision...the vision of happiness.  I remembered who I was and realized where I wanted to be.  After this realization, there was no turning back, no way to pretend again, no intention of pushing ahead.  There was not a clean break.  The past invades my present and blurs my future.  Again I feel the chain yanking at my neck as I venture forward into life, as if I'm a dog...on a leash...in your yard...and I've run out of slack.  But I don't belong to you.

jmv

As it once was, it is again.

Days, weeks, months, years past

Today feels as it did then

And tomorrow shows no signs of change

Thoughts and questions free-flowing

Are now stifled and suppressed

Objurgating eyes, judging

Hurt feelings

Reproaching words, spewing

Harshly over-analyzing my every thought

Keep out of my head

jmv

Rainy days

Few and far in between
Lovely, cleansing, free
Come down on me
Refresh my spirit
Renew my mentality
Let my worries trickle away as you do
Then, as quickly as you come, you go...
You can't be controlled
But don't let it be too long before I feel you again.

jmv

Sig, my nig.

Like a mismatched yet thoroughly complimenting and comfortable pair of socks.

Yellow, Green, Orange and Earth

Static and dynamic

Taking In The Sunshine, And Everything All Around You

Planted, Rooted But Not Lifeless

What Do You See Perched On Your Pedestal?

Self-Sufficient, Yet Completely Dependent

What Happens Within You, And All Around You?

I have never felt regret for leaving you.

Why did you do it?
Where did you go?
What is truth?
Will it ever end?
When was it ever right?
If I hadn't, where would I be?
Why is it so easy?
What am I really thinking?
Where do I want to be?
There are many sides to a story....is there truth to all versions?
What is truly essential?
(jmv)

I am not done with my changes.

 

“Live in the layers,

not on the litter.”

Though I lack the art

to decipher it,

no doubt the next chapter

in my book of transformations

is already written.

I am not done with my changes.

 

--Stanley Kunitz, excerpt: The Layers 

 

I wish thoughts had an expiration date.  Not being unique in this aspect, I over-think, over-analyze but under-act?  Here I am thinking of if I should, how I could, maybe it would...and by the time I figure it out...it's no longer relevant.

The other day I heard of a classmates passing.  She was a classmate, I won't lie and say we were friends.  The thing I remember the most is her smile....big, bright, never forced and always inviting.  I used to tell her she'd win pageants with her smile alone.  Cristina was one of the few people I can say was constantly faithful.  I didn't know her but that was one of the things I was sure about...she didn't rub it in your face, but she didn't hide it..wasn't ashamed and it wasn't questionable for her.  Why would something as horrible as CANCER happen to such a wonderful, faithful person?  What could possibly be the reason in that?  They say...God doesn't give you more than you can handle?  Like I said, we were just classmates.  I was pretty upset about it at work, a coworker asked about it..that was nice.  People don't seem to care much about others anymore.  I always care too much.

Not a soul reads this, but I feel like I should apologize for the random rambling

...the unfocused energy that is this post.

There are feelings

fragments of thoughts

partial truths and traces of evidence

bouncing around in my head.

I feel the need to let them flow,

go where they may and finally let them be freed and heard,

read

...or not

...but they'll be out.

jmv

All of the love&light in this ever-shrinking, yet glorious, universe is put to shame by the love&light in your beautiful, brown eyes... when, in awe, you look into mine and say: ''I see me in your eyes, Momma...Laila in your eyes!''  jmv

Haha!! You are very funny, Universe!

Although it was started by you
I need to uphold it

The distance between us

 
Just thinking of you arouses in me the memory and curiosity
Remembering the time shared
Awakens in me the desire to reach out
And close the gap
Between our bodies
Make the sweat run
Raise the temperature of an already sweltering, summer night
By erasing all second guessing and any thought of judgement
Only being in the moment

In the heat of our embrace

In the passion of our kiss

Melting together beneath your sheets

distance.


jmv

snippets from 'The Journal of Joyce Carol Oates

Started reading it June 14, 2011, 495 pages

"Keeping busy" is the remedy for all ills in America.
It's also the means by which the creative impulse is destroyed.

zerosixonesixoneone

I've been feeling rather impulsive lately.
Cut my hair again...out of boredom... the other day, right after work.





Sort of out of hair to cut, so what's next?!

How do...how do you do? My name is YOU.

• My name is Joselyn.

• I'm almost 5'8" tall.

• My weight is currently 134lbs.

• The color of my eyes and hair is brown.

• One tattoo, many thoughts of more.

• I enjoy reading, writing, observing and learning.

• Laila Love is my lively & lovely daughter.

• Along with my best friend, I'll be at the Mana concert in July, then Incubus in September.

• There's a song on their new album called Friends and Lovers, I have one of those.

• At work, my hours are full time and I have more responsibilities and pay than the girl who's been there 2 years.

• School will start soon and I will be attending, time management and sacrifice are definitely called for.

• Not once have I second guessed my decision to leave.

• Sometimes I feel lonely, mostly at night. I yearn for a warm, beating chest to rest my tired head... and lips to kiss and nibble on.

• One day, I hope to find love again.

These things I know... many other millions I don't.

Moooovin' on up!

A friend at work got me talking about future plans with work, school and life in general. As things go with cause and effect, I now have a Monday-Friday schedule and have started the process for returning to school! Exciiiiting! The manager told me he'd rather the other cashier quit, than to lose me because of scheduling conflicts. She's been there 2 years to my one month... slackers get nowhere.

I will be the role model to her that I always missed in my own upbringing.

She talks and talks before she slumbers...

Momma? There's monsters, but you a superhero? Right? Laila super too.

Hey Momma, I gotta go. "where my Laila?" To Daddy's, but I go be right back. I go Daddy's so I come back home okay? "okay, what a big girl!" yeah, but I a baby too. Goo goo gah gah momma.

"i love you Laila, so much." I love you GIANT much my Mommy. And baby much too okay.

And she's out for the night.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The Common Lot

It is a common fate – a woman’s lot –
To waste on one the riches of her soul,
Who takes the wealth she gives him, but cannot
Repay the interest, and much less the whole.

As I look up into your eyes, and wait
For some response to my fond gaze and touch,
It seems to me there is no sadder fate
Than to be doomed to loving overmuch.

Are you not kind? Ah, yes, so very kind –
So thoughtful of my comfort, and so true.
Yes, yes, dear heart; but I, not being blind,
Know that I am not loved, as I love you.

One tenderer word, a little longer kiss,

Will fill my soul with music and with song;
And if you seem abstracted, or I miss
The heart-tone from your voice, my world goes wrong.

And oftentimes you think me childish–weak–
When at some thoughtless word the tears will start;
You cannot understand how aught you speak
Has power to stir the deapths of my poor heart.

I cannot help it, dear – I wish I could,
Or feign indifference where I now adore;
For if I seemed to love you less, you would,
Manlike, I have no doubt, love me the more.

‘Tis a sad gift, that much applauded thing,
A constant heart; for fact doth daily prove
That constancy finds oft a cruel sting,
While fickle natures win the deeper love.

Where will I be on Saturday, July 2nd, you ask?? Oh, I'll be at the Mana concert at the Toyota Center. Yeah.

Untitled

Relishing in, and embracing, the moments when, with you, I am tangled, and talking of life, between the sheets.

"ONE THING I WOULD FIGHT FOR TO THE END, BOTH IN WORD AND DEED IF I WERE ABLE--THAT IF WE BELIEVED THAT WE MUST TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT IS NOT KNOWN, WE SHOULD BE BETTER AND BRAVER AND LESS IDLE THAN IF WE BELIEVED THAT WHAT WE DO NOT KNOW IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND OUT AND THAT WE NEED NOT EVEN TRY."

--SOCRATES

Currently reading:

• The Eyes of The Dragon- Stephen King
• 1984- George Orwell
• A Practical Guide to Buddhist Meditation- Paramananda
• Shakespeare's Sonnets--Freshly Phrased- Joseph Gallagher

**Of course, I took the quickest route to a dead end. Now the only thing left to do is read the road markers of life, find a map and drive off into the sunset.**

Easter 2011 - Wolf Creek Park

Easter weekend has come and gone,
and all I got was this t-shirt!
Nah, I got tons of pictures and family time, too.

My little sis & niece kept asking why I was photographing the trees.

They give me oxygen, the least I can do is take their picture.

There was this hammock, I could lie on it... listening to the sounds around me... reading a good book, forever. I was too busy doing stuff most of the time, but I did jot down some thoughts here and there:

As I lay on this hammock,

I sway easily with the breeze,

But my thoughts remain constant.

Beauty all around me.

I just spent about two hours laying out in the backyard; reading and taking in all the beauty that constantly surrounds us, yet we routinely ignore. (SPF50'ed from head to toe, mind you!)

An old friend, let me borrow a book titled '90 Minutes In Heaven,' it is truly hard to believe, but amazingly inspirational. It really makes me think of what is to come. On a related, but different note, I can't wait for Easter weekend! My family is Wolf Creek Park bound and it is going to be a blast! I haven't been on a family camping trip in years. I love being outdoors so much, that even if I did nothing but lay on the grass for those 3 days, I would be completely happy.

Tomorrow, I am picking up my Laila Love. She has been with her Dad for about a week and I really miss her. I think of her starting school in about two years, and at that point her visits with Daddy will be limited to weekends, holidays and summer vacations, so I am willing to let him have her for as long as he wishes now.

PS My car has officially been named. Her name is Summer and it really suits her :)

January 22, 2011

Lots has changed since I last blogged.

After 7 years and a beautiful little girl, I am now single. How strange it feels to say that aloud...or type it. To Ptown I have returned, with lovely daughter in tow and our lives in plastic bags. 'Tis life.

I would much rather start over now, than to continue in a loveless relationship and grow old and bitter. My heart, mind and soul are bursting at the seams...with a love that I want to give freely, and, in turn, want to receive. Life is already hard enough.... and to live without loving is not the kind of life I want to lead. Many mistakes were made on both sides, there were too many negatives in this equation.

In a relationship, two negatives don't make a positive.

It has been said that doing the same things and expecting a different outcome is insane (or something along those lines) so I did something different. The result? Front's are now back's, up became down and the whole world flipped inside-out. No. Things are going good. From January til now I have: found a full-time job, bought a car, reconnected with my Mom, family and old friends, cut off my hair, paid all my own bills, quit smoking pot, started going to church (although I feel like such a cynic sitting there questioning everything they say).  I feel lighter and happy, positive and productive...free.

How amazing life can be, if only you let it.

All I need is you: